| Usually this far into December i have already put a few Winter Depression days under my belt, but so far it hasnt been like that. Today was probably the closest ive come so far to having one of those days, but it still wasnt that bad.
Ive been cleaning my room all day long. On and off. Took a large break in the middle when i stumbled into a 2-3 hour text/facebook chat conversation with Sabrina. For once she didnt say anything that made me go, "wow, i totally am not surprised...=/ "
it wasnt a good conversation really. but it wasnt bad. a little post-GRE discussion. a lot of talk about how i dont see a future between her and i being a mathematic possibility. a lot of her saying "you dont know what will happen in the future". a lot about her seeking more seclusion from people currently in her life. some talk about her and james and the differences in what we bring to the table. some bickering, some joking, some bitterness, some nostalgia.
Truth is, i really dont see things the same way anymore. and it makes it easier to uninvest from her life. what shes succeeding at. what shes fucking up at. sure, i wish her the best, but since the outcome of what she does with herself doesnt benefit me one way or the other, it interests me a lot less than it used to.
Disneyland kinda solidified some feelings for me (as much as any feeling CAN be solidified. obviously feelings change all the time). but i did a lot of observing that day. there were a lot of couples in their early to mid thirties with their kids, being happy. being a family. i realize that when i envision what my family would look like, its not how i used to imagine it a couple years ago. i cant actually picture who is there with me in that scenario, or what our kids would look like, so im gonna assume thats my subconscious having moved on from the idea of her an i ever being a possibility. you may think your head and heart are in congruence, but the subconscious is always the last of the three to get on board when moving on from someone.
Before she and i started our convo today i was cleaning my room to an old sleeping playlist on my ipod. obviously slower, often sadder, songs that she and i would always fall asleep to. the playlist continued to play thru while we talked on facebook. normally something like that wouldve really ruined my day and made it harder than i wouldve liked, but for some reason it didnt. the music, the memories, none of it holds the weight that it used to. i think that the mere realization of that makes me kinda sad a little bit. knowing that someone that i was so emotionally invested in, and later so emotionally handcuffed to, is now kind of becoming just another bullet point in the outline of my life's events.
dont get me wrong, i wish things were how they used to be. and i wish we couldve traveled a longer, happier path. but such is not the case.
i can handle the Alone thing ok though. the Lonely thing. the Sad thing. the Apathetic thing. ive got some experience with it all. if anyone can make perpetual solitude work, i think i can. something tells me im going to have to... | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment   |
| I was cycling through my old journal entries just now, and I saw that I had a resolution for the first time ever at the start of this year. I totally forgot that I deemed this year to be one of changes. And I actually nearly followed through with it. I wanted a new job; I got it. I wanted to get my driver's license; I did. I wanted a new haircut; I cut it like I usually do, but not until July, plus I still have time to get a new-new one. I wanted a new apartment; I didn't follow through with that, but if the changes of this year continue (i.e. new job), I'll be able to do that in 2010. I'm pretty happy with myself.
Now for 2010's resolution. I was watching season 4 of The Simpsons last week, and I remembered that in high school, I'd wanted to be a writer for the show. I thought about it for a couple weeks, but I decided that by the time I was out of college, the show would be off the air. Here it is, ten years later, and The Simpsons is still on. It's dipped in quality drastically since I decided I wanted to write for it. Nevertheless, my newly rediscovered dream is still a possibility. So for 2010, I want to write a good Simpsons script. I want to watch the first couple seasons and remember all of what made the show such a classic and use that to craft it. I don't want to just write something and put Simpsons characters in it. I want to capture the tone and write for the characters. And then I want to submit it. I certainly won't expect anything to come of it, but you can't expect to win if you don't try, you know?
Is that a weird thing to resolve to do? I look it less about writing a script and more about following through with a long-forgotten goal.
So. We'll see. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | Work! | | Time: | 11:23 pm |
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| Note: I started writing this this afternoon. I don't think it's complete or totally organized, but I probably won't finish it and if I don't post it now, I'll just delete it. :/
The movie wraps tomorrow. Tomorrow is my last day. Saturday night was the wrap party. At about 2:30AM that night, when everything was winding down and I had just had a brief but surprisingly pleasant conversation with actress Rosario Dawson, thinking back on the past four months and how awesome and rewarding they were, I realized that I never not wanted to work on movies. All the years of misgivings and doubts about whether or not I was stupid to have an impossible dream were gone. I graduated four years ago, and I was working a steady stream of unrewarding jobs wondering if the stream would ever end. All around me, people were settling down, getting careers and spouses. I was wondering if I had wasted my education. The only positive thing I had to say was that at least I was able to pay off all my debt quickly (thanks to a man driving over me with his car).
It's nice to be sure about something.
Fortunately, Bruegger's had to terminate me because I went too long without working. They sent me a check to cover all my vacation days, which was a nice way to find out I don't have the job anymore, but it seemed like a lousy for them to go about things. I talked to the assistant manager the other day, and she said they tried calling me and left me a message, and I never called back, and they didn't even know I was back in Pittsburgh. They should have known, because I'd worked after I came back. And if they thought I was still away, they would have called my cell phone, and I always have my cell phone with me, and I answer it at work if I'm not busy. So I don't know how hard they actually tried to get ahold of me, or if they even tried.
I look at it as a blessing. I don't want to go to work back there. I hate that job. And I might qualify for unemployment now, which will most likely pay more than Bruegger's (sad, sad, sad), and that'll be a nice way to hold me over until the next movie comes to town. And I can always go back to Bruegger's if unemployment doesn't work out. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | Help! | | Time: | 11:35 am |
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| Last night I was dreaming that an old friend of mine had stolen my bike. My sister, some guy (I can't remember whom) and I went out to look for him/my bike. It was late at night and snowing. I remember squeezing around a giant snowball on the deck at my parents' house. The guy I can't remember was carrying a lamp on a stand like a photographer, my sister had a flashlight, and I had a dry-erase board marker, which I decided wasn't a helpful tool. We went into my neighbors' driveway to wait and watch, and soon I saw the light from the bike illuminating the surrounding trees. I knew my old friend was riding up the hill.
Then I was in my bed in my parents house. I was looking at the window and I saw the Tigger doll that I had attached to my handlebars. It was covered with frost from being out in the snow. Then I saw the front end of the bike to which the Tigger doll was attached. My bike! It was coming in through my window. I grabbed at the doll and held on to its paw while the unseen thief outside struggled to pull it back. I started yelling, "Help! Help! Help!"
Then Stephanie, who was in the other room, unable to sleep, ran in and asked me what was wrong. Slowly the image of the frosty Tigger doll faded into the image of the small Christmas tree sitting on my window sill above my bed. The bike disappeared from the window entirely, replaced by a drawn blind. I was lying in my own bed. Stephanie was still standing there, though, asking me what was the matter. I lay there for a moment without saying anything until I figured out what was going on. I had been sleeping with my eyes open (something I sometimes do) and calling out for help. I explained this to Stephanie who left quietly, and I went back to sleep.
It was surreal. | | comments: Leave a comment |
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